Honesty

Current mood: confused

Wow, sometimes I just wonder if I am the only person this confused. This blog is going to be brutally honest and I will be very genuine in my writing, so I can't help but feel that someone who reads this will undoubtedly hate me after reading it. That isn't my intention.

Alternative lifestyles seem to be so "in" right now. Gay marriage, plural marriage (not based on any religious principle), bisexuality, swinging, you name it. Most of it overwhelms me if and when I think about it. And, it maybe kinda grosses me out a little (I warned you I was going to be honest). Life is so complicated anyway, why would anyone want to complicate it more?

Now, that said, I think I am about 90% sure that gay people are born gay and straight people are born straight. I do NOT believe people are born bisexual. I think most bisexual people are just greedy. I have yet to meet someone who is bisexual who can dedicate themself to just one person. That's where the greedy comes in. I'll talk more about that later.

I believe (faith-wise) what I believe. I also believe God would never want me to be horrible to a gay person. Why? Because gay people are PEOPLE! So, I try to be genuine and pleasant and accepting of people who are different from me. I handle it the way I would handle any situation with a person from a different culture. Things are different in their world than they are in mine and I don't wnat to be disrespectful of their life structure. They are who they are and I am not French or Inuit or gay.

So, if you're gay, you're gay. That's fine. I don't believe gay women in the locker room at the gym are checking me out any more than the guys in the gym are when I am working out (and I hope neither is the case). I don't believe gay men want my husband, although he is a fine specimen. We basically just gotta be who we are. And it helps if we are nice.

My daughter is 14. She'll be a Freshman this August. For the last three years she has been exposed to kids who openly admit they are either gay or bisexual. Do the math here- that means that at least some of these kids were 10. Maybe the gay kids knew they were gay, or somehow different. OK. But the bisexual kids? Really? Wouldn't one need to first be sexual to know if they were bisexual? I don't understand it.

Now, along those same lines, La Princessa seems to be a magnet for kids of alternative lifestyles. I am so not kidding here. One of her so-called friends of the last couple of years (whom she no longer has any relationship with for reasons unrelated to sexuality- it has more to do with their being an asshole) is someone I believe to be gay. They say they like the opposite sex, even naming those on whom they had crushes, but there is something there that just sets of my proverbial gaydar. Maybe it is some of the mannerisms which more mimmick their opposing gender than their own. Maybe it is their over-the-top denial of it. I don't know, just could be my intuition too. I am pretty sure this kid is gay, even if they don't know it yet. Moving on...

Another of her friends is openly bisexual. That person has never been sexual with anyone but feels drawn to both boys and girls. I am still so confused. Good kid, good heart, good to my kid and I want to hug them for it.

It doesn't end there. She was in a Girl Scout troop with three girls who claimed bisexuality. She went to a recent activity with other kids of varying ages and roomed with several girls who claimed to be bisexual and talked all night about how soft the other girls' lips looked and how much they wanted to suck on their lips and... you get the picture. During an exercise when the kids were blindfolded Amanda's partner (who selected her) was gay. Why do these kids find my kid so appealing? She has so many gay friends, especially gay boys. Travis just loves that.

So, there's a boy who has been crushing on her for a very long time. She doesn't go to school with him, but they do have some things in common. I knew before she did that he liked her. I could just tell. He's a nice enough kid, but not really her type and she's said that before. So just this past week, he told her he needed to tell her something. He told her a few months ago how he felt about her and she told him she didn't want to be his girlfriend. What did he want to tell her? He told her he is bisexual and that he should have been honest about that a long time ago. Ugh. You think?

She talked to me about it. I told her I didn't like the idea of her seeing a bisexual person. I asked her how she felt about that. She told me that since she had never liked him that way it wasn't a big issue for her. Then she wanted to know why it was an issue for me. I told her that all people, regardless of sexual orientation, deserve one person who is wholly theirs. Theirs in mind, body and soul and that I thought that kind of devotion would be incredibly hard for a bisexual person. When she asked me why I told her that if she were to enter into a relationship with a bisexual person she very likely might always wonder if she were enough to fulfill the needs of her partner, knowing that they had urges toward both sexes and that she deserved more than to sacrifice her own happiness and satisfaction so that a bisexual person (or even a straight person who sleeps around) can seek out someone else to fulfill their own needs. Sure, it is possible for a bisexual person to be monogamous and I am not stupid enough to think it impossible, but I have reservations about it all. I believe humans deserve monogamy. We deserve to know that there is one person in this world upon whom we can fully rely for everything we need- gay or straight. We also all deserve to know that we fill someone else up, knowing that we, just as we are, are enough for someone else. Imagine knowing (if you don't already) that you are all someone needs. You are enough. To know that you are safe and you provide that safety to your parnter. That, in and of itself, is the most amazing thing. Why would I want less for my kid?

That is where we get back to the whole bisexual greed thing. I don't understand the feelings of a gay person. I openly admit that. I have no idea what it is like to yearn for the love and affection of someone of the same gender. To me, its kinda like when I was a little kid and would go next door to play Barbies. I never wanted to play with the same Barbie I had at home, I wanted something different from my own. It seems awfully simple, but that is me. But, I can understand a gay person wanting someone to be theirs and theirs alone. How hard would it be for a bisexual person to be the ONE for someone else? Can a bisexual person upon meeting and falling in love turn from the "natural" urges they say they have and be monogamous for a lifetime (because that is what I would and do need) with one person without feeling as if they have had to give up an integral part of who they are? Maybe I am just too skeptical or closed-minded or something, but I totally question that.

For me it has less to do with faith/religion and more to do with what people need. We all need to love and be loved. I just don't think that sex is THE love. Sex is the perfect union between two who love one another completely. And, I have never been a big believer in the whole "sex is just sex" thing either. That might work for some people, but then why would they regret having sex with someone later if it was just sex? Regret is an emotion, sex is emotional and if it isn't, then why do people often wish, after having sex with someone, that they didn't if all it was was sex? If sex isn't emotional, why do people want to have sex when they have had a stressful day? The release? The release of what (and don't get cheeky, here)? I need to know that emotionally and sexually my partner is mine and mine alone.

Am I screwed up or is it the rest of the world?

Currently listening : Controversy By Prince Release date: 1990-10-25