Nerves of Jello

Current mood: hopeful

Every weekday and three out of every four Saturdays (and some Sundays sprinkled in for good measure), for five years, I got in my car and drove to the radio station. I loved the job and I loved the listeners and I loved the music (I really, really loved the music) and the job was custom-made just for me. It was a beautiful life for me, aside from the time I missed with my kids. And, there was a lot I missed.

I left the station in 2003 after Travis being gone for four months on his first tour to Iraq. Working the morning show hours, plus all the remotes and weekends was killing me and the boss who only took his desires to heart made it the perfect time for me to go. And, with the boss, I would have hated radio had I stuck around any longer. I quit at the top of my game, I went out my way and I still loved radio when I walked away. (Plus, I got to be with my kids all the time!)

I was so nervous to return five months later for the radiothon. I was uninvited, but I felt the cause calling me and I could not resist the pull St. Jude has on me. I knew at that point there was something foreign in my body but the "c" word hadn't entered the scene yet. That came about two weeks later. So, then I was "sick" and then I was in treatment and then I was well, and the following week my dad was gone. Five months after that the radiothon came back around and I heard the call again.

Every year for the next three I went back, while the same programmer was there and was unwelcoming and disingenuous but I would have never missed the radiothons. Especially not because of him.

Last year was the first one in five years where he was not present. And let me tell you, it renewed my spirit and the existing staff welcomed me and we had a kick butt radiothon and our total was higher than the last couple of years and it was awesome. Even though only one of the full-timers on staff was there when I was, these people are members of my extended family and always will be. I love them with all my heart. I love the volunteers who come back year after year to answer our phones and I love the St. Jude staffers who come to train us and encourage us and organize us and keep us in the game. They help fill my heart.

Today I went back to KHEY for the radiothon train-up. Six of us gathered in the conference room with the two reps from St. Jude and we went over facts and figures and had such a nice time. After the meeting I went to Marty's office to chat radio chat. I love Marty and I am so excited for the wonderful things on his horizon, even though there is some uncertainty. The longer we talked, the more I realized that leaving when I did is what preserved the golden memories of my radio career for me. It is so nice to know that you are where you are supposed to be in your life.

I feel changes coming. They've actually been coming for a long time and I've known it (duh), but I sense them so much more now. Premonitions or divinity or disillusion, I know not, nor do I care. But today, I realized I AM where I need to be right now. I was meant to be here in El Paso for this radiothon. This is what I am supposed to do for the next two days. But, here's the thing... I've always had a mini-dose of nerves before going on mic, even when I was on the air every day, but tonight I have this odd case of the nerves. I am a wreck in one way, but feel a calm in another. Whatever it is, I hope it helps me do well tomorrow and I hope it helps me and Marty and Scott and Vickie and Chris and Bobcat (shh, it is radio, we are allowed funny names) to inspire hoards of people to call in and pledge and save kids lives.

And, after that, I will continue to look upward instead of right in front of myself.

Currently listening:Happy GirlBy Martina McBrideRelease date: 1998-05-12