Unhappy Cows

Current mood: content

I'm just totally confused tonight. I am not going to complain. Well, at least, that is not my intention, so if it happens to happen, I apologize in advance.

While out and about today on my endeavours I had the chance to sit and talk to someone for the better part of 45 minutes. She was a very nice lady. She was a very nice lady who is very different from me. She is from another country (one which is far, far away from my own). She is older than I. She has very young children. She has been married for a few years, and from what I gathered from her she's been married less than half the time I have. I guess I am so surprised because from the little I know of her culture, it was shocking to hear what she had to say.

As we talked we mainly focused on small-talk business. You know the type- polite and pleasant and not neccessarily profound. Eventually we came upon the topic of our move and living situation. I told her I was ready to leave El Paso. She was blown away by my wanting to move first because we've been here for so long and I want to go, and second because of what I said after she asked her next question. She asked my why I wanted to move so much. I told her that El Paso isn't my home anymore. Then she wanted to know why. I told her I missed taking care of Travis. I told her it was my job to cook and do his laundry and just be there for him. Then she nearly dropped her teeth.

She told me she hadn't heard an American woman say anything like that. Heh? She also said that women from her country were becoming like American girls too. She said most of the women she comes across in her line of work are too caught up in being what sounded like she said, "dissatisfied and about me." So I guess that means that at least a small percentage of foreign women think that us American chicas (and some of their own) are grouchy cows who only focus on themselves. I wasn't offended. Mainly because she made it clear that I was somehow different from my national sisterhood.

I would like to think that I am the right blend of modern woman and the girl next door and a traditionalist in the marital arena. I relish in caring for Travis. I love my kids and would do anything for them, but my life is really about Travis. Because of him, I have our kids. He works hard every day (and there are so many more every days these days and his every days seem to keep getting longer) and it is my job, and always has been my job, to make his life with us at home a respite from the insanity of his career. I want the house quiet and the family room clean when he comes home. I want dinner to be ready not long after he gets home, if I can't have it done before he arrives. I want him to come home and walk in the house and know that he has a sanctuary at his disposal for at least the next several hours. Why is that such an oddity in our culture?

Have we removed ourselves from the past and progressed to the point that our traditional roles, as women, have become so completely cumbersome to us that we leave them in the dust behind us? That just makes me sad.

I am sure there are those who would say that part of my June Cleaver factor is that I am a Christian. I could agree with them, I guess, were it not for the fact that I have always felt this way. I have always known that making my husband's life easier, and richer, and more comfortable would be one of my greatest accomplishments. And by always, I mean before I even had one, or before I had one in mind.

What is the problem we "progressive" women have with taking joy in being responsible for the enrichment of another's life, particularly if that another was a man? What's with the man-hating? I just don't get it.

I am sure it's gonna tick someone, somewhere off, but I am going to say it anyway, cuz that's how I roll. We can be the corporate raider. We can be the ultra power-hungry attorney. We can be a divine baker or a fabulous dog walker or a tenured professor. But, none of that can bring us satisfaction unless we choose to allow it to do so. Maybe just being a housewife can make us complete- if we choose to allow it do do so. Maybe we can be the banker and let the drive home serve as the buffer between what we do and who we are, so we can jump into our jammies and cook an awesome three course dinner or just chuck a frozen lasagne in the nuker and grab a glass of iced tea and chill.

Who's to say that women who have stayed home to grow their families rather than their investment accounts have it wrong? See, I had the career. I had a great career. I had a crappy couple of bosses, but I had a great career and I loved it. I was good at it, I was highly respected and I loved it. And then I left it. My husband was gone to Iraq, my kids needed to be able to have afternoons for their stuff, I wasn't serving my career or my family well simultaneously, so I quit. I thought Travis was going to have a stroke, but I did it anyhow.

The outcome? I lowerd my expectations of myself and began to accept that I was doing what I had to in order to grow happy healthy people (including me). I took the focus off me and took my joy from doing for my family. And that was the best decision I ever made. Leaving my job prepared me to be fulfilled by living.

Currently listening : Leave It To Beaver: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack By Randy Edelman Release date: 1997-08-12