Long Haul

Pretty much the story of my life over the last twelve months. He's been gone twelve months. A full year. I left him in South Carolina a year ago last Friday. I couldn't even get through security because I couldn't see through the stupid fog on my glasses from my crying and my nerves had me shaking like crazy. That was easily the hardest flight I ever took.

Today I made a snap decision. I am a planner-type person. I make lists and I am organized and there is nothing out of place, especially when I am taking on what I am tomorrow. It isn't that big a deal and if you want to know what is up, message me and I'll tell you. I keep most of my posts public and I don't feel like changing anything. You'll all know soon enough and IT REALLY ISN'T ANYTHING MAJOR! I've already eluded (is that how it is spelled? It's five after one in the morning and I can't sleep, forgive the poor grammar.) to what I am doing. Search out the context clues, peeps. But now, I can't sleep. I've got nerves and Travis on the brain.

I suppose the Dierks Bentley and Jason Aldean ballads on the iTunes aren't much helping. And that takes me to the next random paragraph.

I've loved Dierks Bentley since his first single dropped in 2003- "What Was I Thinkin'?"(I was still in radio then so I get to use the "lingo") His new album does NOT disappoint and I may have another alltime favorite song to add to my playlist. Actually, several playlists because I am starting to discover the marvelousness (don't care, shut up) of playlists. It is almost like when I was in high school and would sit for hours on my bedroom floor with KZZP's dedication hour on and my fingers going numb from my holding them to the record and pause buttons on my tape deck so I could make the best mix EVER, only now it is my stupid eyes making me lame. Oh, and now there's no friggin dj talking all over the song's intro to screw up my mix. Stupid djs. Anyway, back to everyone's favorite blond from Tempe- my Dierks. His new album features a song called "I Wanna Make You Close Your Eyes." It makes me miss Travis- like I needed help. The song is an amazing ballad (normally ballads aren't my thing) and it kinda makes me, well, umm, you know. It sparks a fire in me for my sweetheart. No, not the DOMENOWORIWILLRUPTURESOMETHING kind of fire. I am talking about the fire only real intimacy brings. I miss his breath on my neck and the way he says my name. And still- more reasons to not get in my bed.

Travis and I always seemed to be in a truck (or his '69 Chevelle) going somewhere when we got together. I loved to sit next to him in the truck with my feet on either side of the gear shift so he could rest his hand on my knee. His old brown truck didn't have any air conditioning so the windows were always down and it never seemed to matter. Things were simple. Nothing had to be managed. It was him and me and the wind and a Motel 6 once a month because that was better than trying to find an empty parking lot every weekend, and who had the money for more than that? Life now is good when we are together, but I wouldn't mind an old brown truck with no a/c every once in a while too.

I just can't shut my mind off tonight and all of it, in one way or another, takes me back to Travis. And there's something I just can't talk about right now and that reminds me of him too. I can't give hints but no one needs to worry about us or our family, we are fine. But tonight, I am grateful again, even with him 1600 miles away.

I have to be up in four hours to take Amanda and Tommy to the canyon so they can run. Yeah, McKelligon Canyon, where Travis used to run. See what I mean?

Guess I'll find something boring on the TV to try to numb my mind into a trance and maybe I'll actually fall asleep.

I hate El Paso.