Mud Flaps

Walking about this fashion season I’ve noticed a new trend. Well, hardly new, but coming on strong with a renewed sense of entitlement. This leads me to today’s topic of discussion- shorty shorts. And shorty-shorts aren’t really the problem. The real source of my agony are the frequent, on-going, never-ending, constant display of mud flaps.

What are mud flaps, you ask? Mud flaps are the low cheek. The butt stuff that hangs out the bottom of shorty shorts on those who should not be wearing shorty shorts. Seriously, another two or three inches of fabric and no one would know if you have mud flaps or not. Ahh. Mud flaps.

Over the last few years I have mentioned on many occasions how the season’s current trends (any season) are showcasing the worst in people. Some you may remember- tiny t-shirts, nobras, nipple-rama, tramp-stamps, Asian-inspired tattoos (not everyone has the sign for “eternal love” and “tranquility”- some smart alec tattooist has, I am sure, taken creative license and made them read things like “likes it rough” and “syphilis carrier”), low-rise jeans, big girls in low-rise jeans, teensy panty pantylines, pantylines overall, sausage panties, camel toes, showing bra straps under spaghetti straps, wearing dirty nasty horse harness bras under ball gowns (even strapless ones), skin belts (also known as muffin-tops, mushroom tops, hangovers, foldovers and gut waterfalls). This one has me particularly perturbed.

What, you may ask is the real problem with shorty shorts/mud flaps? Duh, I am sick of seeing them. It is an important key to all of this to recall that I don’t care who you are and what you look like, I don’t want to see you naked. I don’t want to see any part of you that I don’t ask to see. I don’t even really like going to the pool because swimsuits are one step closer to naked. No, not a prude, not having anything to do with faith or religion- just don’t wanna see your twins, your booty or your crack.

Why would any woman seek out shorts which are so short that when worn, they allow your inner thigh thing (which most of us do acquire after a few years of good livin’ or popping out a couple o’ babies, and is not the mud flaps to which I refer, but are also deserving of an honorable mention) to wave like Old Glory right there between your legs? Maybe women don’t know. Maybe we, as a society of women who love ourselves, should start telling each other, in a loving way, when our asses are making a cameo appearance? Maybe we shouldn’t take it to heart when someone tells us we look stupid?

When one wears shorty shorts in public, it always piques my interest. They do realize, these women, that should they need to sit, while wearing shorty shorts in public, their fannies will be dangerously close to touching the dangerous regions of someone else who sat there before them who was also wearing shorty shorts? We live in the desert. Desert=sweaty. Mmmm, sweaty butts. Sounds good, don’t it? Yeah, I’ll have a Crispy Ranch Salad with croutons, a small fries and a side order of Swamp Ass. Sign me up.

Yeah, I get that it is hard to look at our backsides in the mirror, but seriously? Really? That is the best looking thing you could put on today? Ick. What about the hand test? Reach back there and feel the horror for yourself, for goodness sakes.

There are people of all shapes and sizes who can get away with shorty shorts. Honestly, there’s some bigguns out there who can wear shorty shorts and look great and more power to them. Me, not one of those girls. And I appreciate that and I know it and I would never inflict that type of discomfort on the people around me. So, it isn’t really a size issue (although it could be). In fact, there’s a way healthy dose of skinny chicks out there who are wearing the shorty shorts whose mud flaps are incredibly offensive. In fact, many a deflated mud flap has often made me nauseated. And, what are these mud flaps, anatomically speaking? Are they the actual butt cheeks or are they like an appendage? Are they a residual cheek? A secondary growth? These are the questions we will ponder into eternity.

My daughter has two pairs of shorty shorts she inherited (because I wont buy them). They are borderline shorty shorts. They are just long enough that I don’t want to puke when I see them on her, but they teeter on the edge of Pepto. I allow it as long as I don’t see the perpetual creepage, but bleah. Grody. My neice, gorgeous Barbie-esque statue of smoldering hotness wears them and looks great, but the vast majority of us don't be lookin' like her. Tuck 'em in, ladies. Tuck. Them. In.

So, what’s a girl like me to do? I guess I’ll keep blogging about them. I’ll keep trying to avert my eyes when I am able. I will, inside my head, encourage these women to tuck their butt cheeks inside their panties. I will pray for new fashion trends when I pray for world peace and to win the Publishers’ Clearing House Grand Prize. Maybe one day the shorty short will be a thing of the past.

Until then, I’ll just keep watching for tattoos of Yosemite Sam and the phrase “Back Off.”