Taking Care to Take Care

I was told this week that I am too stressed out. It was out of concern for me and my best interest, and I appreciate the people who said it because I am not so sure I could have said it the way they did. It was loving and kind, but not condescending. They were concerned at the ulcers and the fact that I am still only sleeping a couple of hours a night and the sinus issue which still lingers and the muscle cramps and the locking of the keys in the truck and the craziness and the dropping of tiles on toe and the laying of the tiles and the family situation and you name it. Their advice, tell the cheerleader to suck it up and try out in South Carolina, sell the house and go.

I talked about it just a little bit today with Travis. He did understand, but he is pretty much on the same page as me when it comes to this: we've done harder things than this and the decision we made will be very good for our family in the end. I still think it was the best thing to do for all of us.

So, I have modified my game plan. I was relentless about making sure to get x number of items to the thrift shop to sell every week. I wanted a certain number of boxes packed every week. I wanted to tile the floor quickly and move on. I wanted to do everything in an automated and efficient way. Now, I am going to still do the things I've been doing. I am still going to do the home improvement stuff and the packing and the thrift shop drop-offs, but I am going to breathe.

I am going to let it go if I don't have the entire floor tiled by June. Once all the full tiles are down, I can still put the packed boxes out there. Travis will be home for a visit after a while and wehn he comes, we can worry about placing the cut pieces against the walls and around door trim and we can get the baseboards down. It isn't going to kill anyone if the floor is not complete before June.

Once I do get the biggest part of the floor done I can move all these flipping boxes out of the family room in order to return it to my relaxing retreat. I picked all the things for this room with the sole intent of making it a wonderful place to come and sit and catch my breath. That is hard to do when there are boxes stacked half-way up each wall. And, when I move the boxes out, I will sit and relax here again.

Once this room is relaxable again, I will begin to really focus on clearing out the office and selling the furniture in it. And, once the office is cleared out, I will be moving my bedroom furniture in there. It is a much bigger bedroom than the master bedroom is and my huge bulky furniture will look better placed there. Once the furniture is shifted I will move Nolan's double bed into the master bedroom and my small dresser as well because the smaller furniture will make the small room look more roomy. At that point, Nolan will be sleeping in the master bedroom, but living out of his own. Then, when the master bedroom is set, I will find a twin bed to put in Nolan's room for staging to make his room appear larger too.

Prior to all the room shifting, I will be painting. I will have to do baseboards and doors, which need to be primed and the walls in the main part of the house, including the kitchen. This wont be a huge issue, but will be a little time-consuming because of needing to prime so much. It will get done and I am not racing anything except myself, and that may be the worst competition of all.

I am going to have to make myself take care of myself. I am starting to realize that. In doing so, I am going to be less snippy with the kids. I have been trying this since Wednesday, and things seem to be less tense around here. Nolan is trying to make adjustments in himself, so I feel I must do the same. I am going to try to be less demanding while still expecting the same level of participation in the household chores and behaviors. Controlling my stress will help me overall, and that success will lead to the accomplishment of all these things.

All of that said, I really think the basis of all of my stress-related problems is that I am just missing Travis so much, even though I keep telling myself this isn't as hard as a deployment because the crazies aren't trying to kill him. In reality, I think this might be just a little harder. During a deployment we have no choice as long as he remains in the military. If they say he goes (on deployment), he goes and where he goes is not someplace I can be. That is that and there is no negotiation. Our current living arrangement was my choice. I didn't choose this because I wanted us separated for any reason. I did choose it because it was smart financially and supported our kids' wishes. In that choice, which I do not regret, I made this what it is. I have to deal with that. And, my very best friend is going home to a less than wonderful, absolutely not relaxing "home" every night alone, to make his own dinner which he does not enjoy doing for himself. He is without the kids and their craziness and he has to deal with his stress alone as well. That is not something I like. It is my job to help him with all those things. Even though we talk every day and text like fools, it isn't the same. I miss that commeraderie we share. It would certainly be nice to be driving down the road somewhere and see something and be able to look at one another without saying a word and laugh, knowing the exact same thought is running through both our minds.

So, if you text me or email me or call me and I don't jump on it right away, or if I am late getting the kids to some activity, or if I choose to sit around all day some Saturday and not clean my house, please try to understand. I am taking care of me.

And soon enough, I will take care of him again.