Because I am too Nice to Say it to Your Face

Current mood: bummed

Dear Person I Love Very Much,

I need to get a few things out in written form so I do not permanently damage our relationship. It is because I love you that I do not want to say these things to you personally. I know you will most likely never read this, and that is a huge part of the reason I am writing it. Maybe my getting it out of my head will make me feel better.

I do enjoy talking to you. I find you vital and entertaining. I appreciate you checking on me. All of these are good things. Recently when we talk, you have become what I will call critical, even though I know that is not your intention. I don't even know if that is the right word for what it is that you do. If I mention something, anything at all, sometimes that topic, which is completely random in each discussion, will become your never-ending topic. You latch on it with a death-grip and when you do, you assume that any thought you have regarding the topic is fair game to mention. When you do this, I know you mean it to be harmless, but it is becoming more and more hurtful when you do it.

Of late, when I meet people who bulldoze through conversations like this, I say that their "brake pedal" is broken or that they can't find it. I was raised to consider other people's feelings in thought and deed but so few people actually apply that to their lives now. Most often, when they do consider the feelings of others, they put complete strangers in the comfort seat and let their friends and family members suffer through the verbal diarrhea. I wonder if that is what is happening here.

It is not always OK to say what you think. Sometimes it is no big deal. Other times, the nature of the discussion topic needs to be top of mind before you lose your brake pedal. Sure, maybe I am being hyper-sensitive. I can accept that, but it would be nice if you would take that into consideration too before you lay out my issues like a buffet from which you can hunt and peck at will. Although you mean no harm in your open thoughts, you are hurting me. And worse, it makes me not want to talk to you.

I know that is not how you want me to feel. I know you care about me and that when you speak about the things you think about my life and the events therein, you are only trying to make conversation. I know you do not want to alienate me, but that is happening. That happening hurts me too.

Please learn to "hear" what I am not saying and recognize that when I change the topic or suddenly become quiet it is a symptom of an inappropriate discussion. I can't always say, "Please don't say that because..." because I know that will hurt you and I don't want to hurt you. I also don't want to unleash on you. Especially not now, when I am riding my stress wave at a non-stop high-tide. I am afraid if I start in on you, I wont stop.

I would prefer to not have regret be an active part of our relationship. I would rather be able to confide in you openly without criticism and judgement. I want to tell you everything but you are making that hard for me and I constantly find myself wondering if the topic of the day is something I can talk to you about or if it would be better left unsaid, for my own peace of mind.

I say this only because I care,

Stacie