Hasta

Current mood: blessed

Wow, thunder, lightning, flooring, siding, chaos, cancer, death, and Mom's in the hospital.

Its a really, really long story and it is also just about midnight so I'll edit a bunch. Mom got sick. Mom got really really sick. Mom went to the hospital on the ambuhlance. Mom went home. Mom got sick again. And sicker. And sicker. Mom went back to the hospital on the ambuhlance. She be hangin' there for a while. Docs gotta do some tests but they have a pretty good theory, they just have to locate something and come up with a way to fix it. Its technical and kinda gross and she'd kill me if I told you, so I wont. She's going to be ok in a few days.

That leads me to the next thing. Just as I was going to call my sister, the one who likes me well enough all the time, the phone rang and the insanity began. Funny how I had that stupid phone in my hand. Seriously, in my hand.

Unfurl the litany of accusations and craziness, and all you spectators sit back with a cool drink and watch the freak show, will ya? Yet again, I was reeled in and caught off-guard and it whapped me in the face. It never changes. No one insulted anyone until my phone rang. No superiority/inferiority, at least on my part, but your friendly neighborhood _____________(insert adjective of your choosing) thought different. Why do I never see it coming? Only I wont back down anymore.

Hi, have we met? I'm your sis- oops. I'm your scapegoat/whipping post/reason for starving children in China. Nice we could meet up again.

It probably all is my fault. I can trust. And like a moron, I trust more often than not, and if memory serves correct, my trust+x=Holy crap. Surely, all can see how I created the problems.

Now there's humiliation, only not me. I'm not humiliated because I didn't do anything wrong. The one person you were (ah-hem) protecting and taking care of might be a good place for you to start your search. I guess a person can't have needs. At least none greater than yours.
You handled it, alright. 'Cuz you got the plan. That's why everyone else is pulling out the big pushbrooms.

Hey, LoveCop, good job. Thanks for telling me how you feel. I guess you not caring about me is why you will stew on this for ages and you will hate me again. That's ok. I can deal. I wont hate you back no matter how hard you try. For the record, none of it ever mattered to me. You are mine. Just as much mine as anyone could be. I still feel that way, but I have my guard up now. You were the only one it mattered to. How sad. My insignificance is not my doing. That said, you can't be puppetmaster of who I love. Or who loves me back. Being there to open Christmas gifts and do silly things like pile up on the matriarch's bed just to hear her gripe at everyone and curling hair and playing games and building legos and eating and parties and graduations are what place one in another's heart for all eternity. Genetics, not so much. There is no eraser big enough to erase me- and my fat ass from hearts. And that's ok with me too.

Hard as you try, you can't un-love me. But I can un-trust you.

Oh, and the ones you mentioned and what you said, they already know you in a way you could never imagine. No one taught them hate and there is none there. But you can't hurt them the way you think you can. Because at 25 divided by 2, they are far stronger than you.

and maybe I didn't know the one you ache for the way you did. Stop. You didn't know him the way I did. Square?

I love you.

And I am protecting me now.

Currently listening : Game Related By The Click Release date: 1995-11-07