I am Caring Less

Current mood: blissful

Most of my life I have contemplated what about me my siblings don't like. Most of the time it has baffled me beyond words. Again, my family situation is somewhat complicated with none of my siblings being my fully genetic siblings. Two are half, one is not genetically my sibling. I didn't know about one of them until I was an adult- one of the halves, whom I lovingly refer to as "My sista from another mista." Don't use the phrase if you can't back it up. I can back it up. My other sista is also from another mista and it is the same mista as the first sista. They are genetically full sisters. One of them is legally my sister 100% because my genetic father adopted her. The other one (the one that ALWAYS likes to hear from me) is legally my 100% cousin. Then there's my brother. He is adopted fully, by both parents. That NEVER mattered to me until it got thrown in my flipping face every time anything in the family happened that didn't please him. It sucks to love someone with your whole heart even though your heart and theirs share no DNA, when all they can do is complain about the fact. I guess I am horrible because I don't understand it. Said it before, sayin it again- Mine. You are mine. You are my full brother and that's that. My 100% sister is mine too. My sister. eh, whatever. After 35 years, I am sick of it all.

I talked to my mother today. Much of it was about how she is feeling (better, still) and some of it was about "the" incident. The unsolicited ass-chewing (the most recent one) which rocked my world (again) happened in the midst of Mom's hospitalization. Lets us just say that alcohol could have been a factor in "the" incident, but I have no proof. Ah-hem.

All I wanted from my siblings (not my cousin/sister) was a relationship based on siblingly things. I just wanted to be able to hang with them and know them. I am sixteen and eight years younger than them and although my brother was technically living with us when I was growing up, he was absorbed in his stuff and I in mine, so we weren't close as kids. By the time I was born my sister had headed off into her life already. She was around, from time to time, but nothing I, as a child, could predict. We weren't close either. As a kid, that was OK. as I became an adult, I yearned to know them better.

For years I was hurt when my seeking those elusive relationships resulted in nothingness. It really hurt. It hurt me for a long time. Eventually I learned that they did not desire from me the same relationship I desired from them. I can atest to the fact that unrequited love really sucks. I think it is worse when it is actually unrequited from your real family. Yup, my real family, regardless of what they might say or think, or what legal doccumentation is involved.

I was an adult when I learned of my other sister (yup, the one that likes me). It wasn't a dirty little secret, really. It was more of a situation where certain parties were worried about the feelings of others so nothing was said for years. It was one of those family things done in the 50's that was done to protect people. I understand that. I wasn't supposed to know, but I was told. That might just be one of the greatest gifts I've ever been given. Knowledge is, indeed, powerful. Getting to know Treva has been wonderful for me. It is wonderful because I really wanted to be a sister as much as to have a sister all of my life. I'm not sure if the individual who told me meant for Treva and I to forge the relationship we have or not, but I owe you a HUGE thank you.

So, now, after 35 years, I realize it. It is crystal clear. I have a sister and I am a sister to her. And she has a relationship with our mother and is excited for all our involvement in her life means. How awesome is that?

I guess it took "the" incident to clear things up for me. Several years ago there was another incident which was very similar to last week's little issue. That hurt me for a very long time. I didn't go to Arizona for a period of about three or four years because I was trying to avoid my brother, who lived near our parents. It was the death of one of our aunts which got us back to a point where we could speak. I forgave, but I never forgot. Now I am glad I didn't forget. It was wise to not forget that.

When our father died, we were all there. One of us was avoiding dealing with it- or was dealing with it on their own in some way I didn't understand. The other two of us did what we could to make the situation bearable. There was a blowup then too, but it wasn't directed at me (for the first time, EVER!). I was just as amazed as the next guy when it wasn't my issue with which to deal. And I kept my mouth shut and stayed out of it. (Thank you, Jesus, for giving me the insight to shut my stupid mouth)

I guess it is safe to say that every major family event (except Dad's death) has resulted in someone melting down on me. I don't feel sorry for myself. I realize now that it is because I am strong. I am a fighter. I am confident in myself and who I am and what I do. It intimidates some people and it makes them feel inferior. I don't think others realize that. Most just call me a bitch. Today, I think its OK. If you have to think that to make it through the day, go ahead. I give you permission, and that, I am sure, will piss you off as well. Oh well.

Christmas 2007 was a gigantic deal. All three of us were home, at Mom's house, for Christmas. Four of the six grandchildren were there, significant others were there and even a couple of dogs. It was Mom's request. We all behaved. It was very good. No meltdowns. It meant so much to Mom and it helped me move things along in the relationship arena.

Then, this happened. Not that it matters, but Mom was involved in my involvement. Yes, that sounds confusing, but I can tell you she was as aware of what I was doing from the start. It was her request. One of those you think you are protecting knows just exactly what happened. And, they were happy to be involved. Just so you know, she's my mother too. Oh yeah, that's your line. I must have learned how to use it from you.

When you cracked open your ugliness on me, I think you thought you would hurt me tremendously. I am going to be honest, it did hurt. It hurt for about five minutes, until I got your obnoxious voice out of my head. Silence brought me clarity. Your threats and accusations only solidified my stance. I'll keep it to myself. And I will keep everything else about myself away from you too.

You no longer have access to me. You can read my blog, if you can figure out how to find it. I am not hiding. I am right here. I don't care any more. Thank you for helping me not care any more. I will never again bother you with anything. That is your doing and your choice. It didn't have to be this way, but it is now.

Don't confuse that with me not caring about you. I still do and I always will. you don't have the power to change my emotions or my mind. But, this time around, I didn't spend days being seriously upset. I got OK real quick. That was my signal that I am finished. I am done trying. And, I will be fine. For the rest of my days, I will be fine. I don't need to pursue a relationship with you ever again. You released me. Just like I have learned in the past, that may be one of the greatest gifts I'll ever be given. Thank you for making me realize that the stress of what you think is not worth it for me. You've crapped on me enough and I am finished.

To my 100% sister, I am aware you had a bit of knowledge. That's fine. You have your own opinions of me and that's ok too. I'm not looking to change your mind. I am not looking for anything any more. I am finished trying to be the sister you never really wanted. I am sorry if that sounds ugly, but I've been hurt here too. It hasn't tormented me for years, but now it wont even bother me slightly.

This even has shown me that I am about 67% on my own in the sibling department. That's cool. I'm ok.

I am proud of myself for this. It took me such a long time to know that although I will always love you, I will never really be able to be a part of your life or let you be a part of mine. My kids know what you did and what you said, too. I don't hide things from them. They are aware of what you said about them as well. The funniest thing about that is their reactions, given independently of one another. Both of them just rolled their eyes, the way teens and tweens tend to do, and said, quite profoundly, "Whatevah." I am proud of my kids. They kick ass.

Oh, and so do yours.

Currently listening : I Don't Care (If You Love Me Anymore) By Mavericks Release date: 1997-06-17