I'm Not Sleeping

Current mood: drained

I've said that for the last eight months and meant it every time. Tonight I'm not even trying. There's too much stuff on my bed for me to try. I've got the washer and dryer going. The dishwasher is on. There's a sink of dishes in hot water that's too hot for me to put my hands in. My lungs are being burned by the bleach fumes wafting from the bathroom showers. I am light-headed from the Carpet Fresh which I have liberally sprinkled from room to room. I have ass-loads of stuff on the dining room table- packing. I need to fix a spot on the wall in the kids' bathroom with spackle and paint, but I can't- lung burning fumes. Craig Furgeson is on TV right now and I've not lifted my head once, and he's my FAVORITE!!! I've got a laundry room in need of organizing and sweeping. My vacuum cleaner needs to be cleaned out but it is too freaking cold to go outside right now to empty it in the big dumpster. By the way, it is too freaking cold in the house right now too because just like always, El Paso's weather was bee-you-tea-ful and we went to sleep and the next morning Jack Frost completely skipped the nipping at the nose part and just kicked my ass.

Yes, the responsible person with a house on the market would just keep her house in show-order at all times. Whatevah. Kids, dogs, work, stuff, living, all that and more kinda get in the way of spot-checking every fifteen minutes for a stray dust-mite. Plus, news flash, no one's been looking at anything, anywhere.

Now someone is coming tomorrow. I don't know if it is a couple or a single guy, just that at least one of the parties is a guy. I just hope he or they see something in this house the way we did. I don't care if he/they want it to be their forever house. I would be elated if he/they made it their right now house. That's what we did, but right now ended eight months ago and I gotta hit the road soon.

A lot of my friends who read my blog don't believe what I believe, and that's for you to decide. I pretty much adore everyone here and hope the feeling's the same on your end. But I'm going to talk here about stuff you might not agree with and that's for me to decide.

I've really struggled lately moreso than I ever have with trying to hold myself together. Things just don't seem to make sense with me here and Travis there and a long road in between for no other reason than I wanted to give my kid a chance to experience something wonderful. That's it. Sure, there were Realtors with their forecasts (which all failed to come true) which did carry some weight in the decision, but it was for the kid. We've gone through separations before. A lot of them. I've never once complained about that. I've mentioned being lonely. I've mentioned wishing he were here to fix things and the longing I've felt with him not home, but this is just asinine. I can't argue with a deployment or hardship. They just are and that's that. This was a choice I spearheaded. During deployments there are always the FRG gals (which have ALL moved away [jealous, jealous me]) who are going through exactly the same thing as me with the same deployment and all. Right now I have Kori and Kelly, and they do rock. There are others too, and I'm truly glad for all of them meaning something special to me. But, I ache right now like I've never known before.

Financially, we are more than strapped right now. The same thing which has happened to so many others is happening to us. Sure, we knew that we might be overextending ourselves, but we thought we had it. We were in great shape before he left. Two households and a tanking economy have sucked for us. It is hard to be excited about much when you know there is so much looming around you. If things do go our way soon, we'll be in great shape. Hoping, hoping.

It is great to have a plan. I have a plan and a timeline, aren't I lucky? I thought I knew exactly what was going to transpire in my little corner of the world between March and December. Now I know that I am just a moron. I just hope we can get out of here before the Army wont pay to move our house. That would be March.

I just don't have it in me anymore. I've handed it all over before. I've handed it all over now too. I've been handing for a while now. I know God hears all prayers. I've had prayers answered- you know, cancer and all. Truly. And still, I sometimes wonder if God knows I need Him, if He's heard my pleas and seen the tears, and if His plan for me is the same as mine. As long as God's plan has Travis and I with the kids all in one house here in the next little while, I'm good. I know He will work on His own timeline and that things will work out the way He wants them to, so no one has to remind me. I have to remind me. It doesn't do much good for someone else to do that for me. Like most of us, I'm burning up the prayer hotline when things aren't too much going my way. My current situation is no exception. Today I opened an email response from my Craigs List posting on the house. I emailed and then called my Realtor. After I talked to Gina, without even thinking, I hit my knees. Right there in the spare room, as soon as I ended the call, I prayed. I thanked God for the guy that's coming. I told God that I knew He had His plan for us and that I would be patient, as much as I could, until we knew.

God knows that I can't even tie my shoes these days without tearing up a little because running shoes remind me of runners and runners remind me of triathlons which remind me of Travis. I find myself daydreaming about what my life is going to be like when we are all living in one house again. Doing so just makes me feel like I am some stupid teenager with stars in her eyes over some dude from school.

So, God, you know. And that's OK. This is yours now and I will do what I am able. I just can't wait to make him something stupid like spaghetti and fall asleep, drooling, on his leg while we watch a move.

*Dear God, please let me drool on Travis' leg soon. Amen.

Currently listening : Here Without You By 3 Doors Down Release date: 2004-04-13