Spiral

I am thouroughly exhausted. Utterly, but I stayed up late tonight to watch a show on MTV I've been dying to see, "Steve-O, Demise to Rise." I first became familiar with him the same way most of us did, through "Jackass." I never quite "got" the show or the idea behind it. I just chalked my disdain for the program up to my being too old. Sure, I tried to watch, but most times I would sit with the clicker in my hand and my head cocked sideways with my eyes all squinty wondering what the Hell would catapult someone, anyone, to this level of stupidity. Ah, addiction. That's it, but I didn't know it at the time.

I began to appreciate Steve-O during this season of "Dancing with the Stars," and you can keep your opinion of DWTS to yourself. I like it and there is an abundance of estrogen in this house right now. Mommy usually wins the clicker wars. He was partnered with Lacey and from the first episode I knew I wanted to see more of him. On occasion, his recovery from addiction was brought up in the vignettes shown during the show. He is a very charming person and seems very lovable in a high school boy kind of way- very innocent. I know, he's not.

So, when I saw that there would be a show chronicling his addiction and the early phases of his recovery, I knew I had to watch. I've had a front-row seat to the addiction circus for going on thirty years now (not my parents). I was completely unaware of what was really going on with those involved when I was a kid. I had no idea there was anything wrong with them because I was either oblivious or they hid it well. Regardless, I started to have my awakening to the addictions around me around the time I turned eightteen. And then, I thought there was something I could do about it. Just like everyone has to learn at some point, there wasn't, isn't, ain't never gonna be.

Later in the evening last night, I got a text message from a friend that lives far away from me. It read, "**** passed away April **." After a couple more texts back and forth, my friend agreed to call me today and let me know what she could after she spoke with ****'s husband. No one wants those kinds of texts and I spent a long time last night thinking about things.

I came to know **** through the friend who texted me. I won't be getting specific about "how" I knew her because that would be disrespectful to her family and that is incredibly important to me at this point. But, those two ladies along with a couple of others and myself had plenty of time to get to know each other during a certain period of time not that long ago. She was another Army wife. She had two kids and a husband who did love her. She had also been a nurse at one point.

As I was getting to know her I saw her taking some very high-powered drugs. I saw her shaking when she had gone too long without this one or that one or some combination therein. Everything was prescribed, and therefore, in some ways justified, sort of. She always seemed so tortured when it didn't seem to me that she should have been in that state. No, I didn't understand. I don't think I ever will. I just knew that something just didn't seem quite right about what she was taking and the manner in which she was doing so. I kept my mouth shut.

I don't think I would have ever really called her my friend but accquaintance seems very removed from what she was. I don't know. I know I was not her favorite person, but for a time, I think I was part of her circle. I'm not too sure how she fit into mine. At one point, I might have even called her a nemesis. Around the last time I saw her, I would have likely just classified her as just someone I knew.

As I've aged and watched addiction in my life, I've developed my own little set of coping tools and have become really good at building the defenses I truly needed to protect myself. That gave me the ability to easily walk away when my addiction radar began to emit a certain tone. Still does. Quite frankly, I don't have time to deal with that brand of crazy. It is crazy and this world has handed me enough that I can't slow down to make addiction a stop on my journey. I just don't understand how someone can let that happen to themselves. Having been ill, I also can't grasp how someone can take that kind of gamble with their life. I WANT to be here.

She was making mistakes which could have ended very, very badly. I knew about some of those mistakes and I wasn't alone. I just wasn't aware of how bad it really, really was. It is scary to draw attention to that kind of situation. I am not sure exactly how to report it. I didn't know her husband. And, being perfectly honest, as any Army wife can tell you, telling on someone is a great way to make your own life more difficult (and that word, difficult, is an understatement). No one wants to be involved in someone else's bad business. And, I was afraid. I really didn't want to hurt her, even though I knew she was hurting herself and others. And I didn't want to hurt me.

Again, out of respect for her family, I will not be specific about details of her life and death. I will say that she spent the last year spiraling downward with occasional episodes of recovery. She had MANY chances to improve her situation (MANY), and she did try. I didn't know until today all of what was going on and I don't think there would have been anything I could have done to aid her or her family prior to her death. I do know my presence would not have been appreciated since I welcomed the distance from her when it occurred. Things had apparently been looking better for her when her demons came back raging. She wasn't strong enough to fight them this time and not just the battle, but the war was lost.

Now, a Warrior is also a widower and the single parent of two kids who will always wonder some of the things I do, along with why she did these things to their family. They have every right to both love her and hate her in the same breath. I can't imagine how they will heal but I hope that healing begins very soon and that it comes as naturally as it can.

Steve-O is well for now. Recovery doesn't come in a neat package. More often, it comes in a screwed up ball of crap that doesn't make sense until it is untangled. Even then, maybe not so much. Steve-O was the subject of an intervention during which several people gave him no choice and put him in a nut-house, from which he entered a rehab facility and later a sober-living home. He felt weak during the early months of his recovery and committed himself to a mental institution again a second time, because it is what he wanted. He didn't get well for someone else, but those someone elses prompted him to enter wellness.

I think Steve-O values what he has now. I think he sees that life is a heck of a lot more than huffing nitrous and dropping PCP and drinking by the gallon, all at the same time. Maybe the fact that he has recorded most of his life on video since he was a teen has helped him gain some perspective about what he has done to himself. I think he has found his value. And, thank God he is brave enough to share those videos with a demographic struggling through more chemical influences than any other before them.

I encourage you to watch the show with your kids. DVR it, ask someone else to tape it or do whatever it takes to ensure you and your kids have a chance to see this show together and that you talk about it. Talk about it openly and be honest with your kids. Teach them what you want them to learn so they can protect themselves. You wont always be able to be there to assist them in making their decisions, so teach them how to do it for themselves. They will hear you and hopefully they will listen.

And if there is a next time experience for me, I will do something or say something. I will be smart enough to do it. I do not blame myself or anyone else for what **** did to herself. I do not wonder, "What if." I do know that she was not ready to make change for herself and the outcome proves it. But, if there is a next time, I will.

How awful to die alone and impaired. How much more awful to be the children left behind.