Do NOT Take a Crap in the Gym

Current mood: sore
It really seems like such a simple concept. Really, don't you agree? It isn't nice to do that there.

No, I did not walk past a pile.

There were no land mines around which one needed to negotiate.

I went in today, feeling extremely tired and not at all wanting to do 45 minutes on the elliptical. I had also promised myself that today would be the day I would go in the weight machine room and do five machines. No excuses.

I got on the elliptical (not the one I like being on in the cardio-loft. I got stuck on one which faced a Dieon Sanders framed jersey) and started in. I pumped up the iPod and really began to push myself through the first 13 minutes (which for some reason is always the worst and hardest for me). About five minutes in, there was the distinct odor of... Yeah, you already know.

Now, gas is one thing and I can deal with an OCCASIONAL intestinal release, if the victim really needs to. I can forgive them of their lingering malady with which all of us other exercisers must deal. Why is that forgivable? It goes away. It wafts through, makes itself known and then it freaking goes away.

Today was not a case of the Disappearing Waft. I swear if I didn't know better I woulda thought someone hunkered down and squatted and left me a BIG present behind my machine. We all know that wasn't the case (don't we?), but it was bad. And here's the thing... I work out hard. Hard work means hard and deep breathing which means I have to smell an awful lot of stank from time to time. I think someone pooed their pants and didn't know they had. The stink didn't go away.

I do not expect my fellow gym rats to shower and coif and perfume and paint before attending their workout sessions. I do, however, expect that your ass-stank wont be detectable for the first half of your session. Is that too much to ask? I go in in workout clothes, fresh from oatmeal duty and kid delivery. I get up, I take my hormone pill, I pee, I brush my teeth (you know how I am), I waddle down the hall to the office (where my clothes live), I find suitable workout gear, I awaken the zombies, I hit the kitchen where I first make lunches and then breakfast, I feed the hounds, I change out the laundry, I put on shoes, I wash my face and brush my hair and apply some deoderant, I interdisperse yelling at the kids for whatever miscellaneous reason has me irked at that moment, I get the keys and my purse and set them by the door, I collect the yung-uns and we go, then I go to the gym. How hard is that? Basic hygiene did happen. Why can't others be so considerate?

You got nASSSSty stank and I don't feel like being your victim.

There are showers at the gym. They are free. There is even liquid soap in dispensers mounted in each stall. There are privacy curtains. Use them. Use them at will.

Elliptical- 45 minutes.

Calories burned- 478

Machines used- Lower Back Thingie- 4 sets, 30 reps each, increasing 15 lbs per set (starting at 90 lbs and going up)... Six Pack Builder thingie (which kicked my hammy-ass)- 2 sets, 10 reps each, 30 pounds was all I could muster... Shoulder Hell Thingie (stand on a thin piece of metal with heels hanging over and then tippy toe up and push up on the shoulder pads)-2 sets, 12 reps each (I cramped out both times), I have no idea what weight I had it on... Outer Thigh Thingie- 3 sets, 20 reps each, increasing by 10 lbs each set with angle at 7, started at 40 lobs and worked my way up... Inner Thigh Thingie- 3 sets, 20 reps each, don't know what the angle thingie was because the sticker was removed from the machine (prolly Ol' Poopy Pants that took it off), started at 40 lbs and worked up by 10 lbs per set

Music- started with Timbaland- ended with Fergie (highlights- Michael Jackson, Metallica, Rhianna, Jay Z, Motley Crue, Kevin Fowler, Finger 11, Chris Cagle, Destiny's Child)

Currently listening : Let It Stink By Death Breath Release date: 07 August, 2007