How to Look Good Naked (I'm divulging)

New show- Lifetime.

Love it.

I'm just now watching it for the first time. I recorded it last night while we were out. I'm sitting here in my family room, with no bra (scary, really super-scary), my HUGE pajama pants, my bed-head, wrapped in my fuzzy blanket, with my hair not brushed (teeth are, kind of a pet peeve), eating a bowl of leftover pasta from last night, feeling so incredibly sorry for my husband.

I think he deserves more.

This is gonna get a little deep, turn back now and save yourself. I am absolutely NOT looking for sympathy or poor Stacie comments or any of that crap. This is just an expression of how I feel about stuff.

I was a fat kid. Some of you will remember me as such. I was freaking ginormous. And I knew it and kids were cruel and it hurt to be me sometimes. My eyes were opened Freshman year of high school. I saw all the pretty girls with boyfriends and I knew then that if I ever intended to date in high school I needed to do something about myself.

In the summer between Freshman and Sophomore years I went to Weight Watchers. I lost about 50 pounds by the time December hit. The problem was that by the WW standards of the time, I was "supposed" to weigh about five pounds less than the lowest weight I hit, so I could never achieve the "goal" status with them. My brother, a fan of the porn-body, told my mother that I had lost way too much weight and looked sick and that she shouldn't allow me to lose any more. I was athletic. I played a lot of softball at that time. I thought I still looked fat. But, my body started to rebel and gain weight even though I was still following my diet plans with WW.

By Senior year I had had a couple of boyfriends, so my main goal was accomplished, but I had also gained weight. It wasn't that big of a deal then for some reason (maybe I was more content?). Even though I was dating, I still felt as if I were more the type of girl guys wanted to be friends with, not make out with.

Senior year I had the sweetest boyfriend. He was a real cutie (more than just physically speaking). I was so happy and my weight didn't seem to be a big thing any more. Maybe it was him, maybe it was me, maybe it was the weight. Who cares. It was good. We gradutated, I started at ASU, got mono (gained a little weight from it), I transferred to GCC, and shortly thereafter Cutie and I broke up. By that point I was working. I was devastated, but it was only about three months later that I met Travis.

I fell HARD. I think he did too. From the first date we had (June 9, 1991) there was never anyone else. And, I went on birth control for the first time too. Within the first month of taking the pill I had gained about 20-25 pounds (yes, in that month alone). It didn't matter to Travis and I didn't have time to notice it (work, school, Travis, family). We got married in February and I was higher than my pre-WW weight by a few pounds. I still think I looked OK.

When we finally moved to Fort Riley I had gained a lot of weight. We had been apart for six months for Basic and AIT and I had been going to school and working, but I ate my way through that time. That Christmas season I got pregnant with Amanda. I actually lost weight with the pregnancy, about 23 pounds total. I delivered 16 pounds lighter than I had been prior to getting pregnant. It wasn't intentional, but I had the worst morning (evening) sickness of anyone I had ever seen.

Between the kids I gained a lot more weight. Going back on the pill after Amanda was born was a problem. Another 20 pounds came to visit. And then some. I had started going to the gym and was working out regularly but I never saw any weight loss. I had walked the golf course and had run on occasion, but I didn't drop any weight.

We moved to El Paso, Travis deployed, Amanda and I moved back to Glendale to stay with my parents, I ate my way through another separation, we moved back, he came home, he knocked me up with Nolan (planned, kinda), and then we had him. Again, lost weight during the pregnancy, although not as much as I had with Amanda. As soon as he was born I went back on the pill and the weight came again. So, the pill, bad eating habits, working and the babies, more separations, more food= more weight. I got huge.

I had begun to walk like crazy again. I was on very strict food plans on which I monitored my calories, fat intake, fiber intake, water intake, and everything else. I was burning more calories than I ate. I was participating in weight bearing exercise an hour a day, six days a week. It didn't work (after about six months I hadn't lost).

I was going to college, working part-time at the station on weekends, getting ready for Korea (for Travis), and I was gaining weight again. It sucked. During Korea I was working on the morning show, getting up at 3, getting the kids to childcare by 4:20, at the studios by 5 or so and on the air at 5:30. I would work, go home and eat (something bad for me, usually), run errands, pick up the kids from school and childcare, go home, make dinner and collapse. The only thing worse was when I had remotes at night. Then I had to go home, get the kids ready to go back to childcare, drop them off, work the remote (I will spare the reader the enormity of that) for a couple of hours, pick the kids up (usually around 10 or 12), put them to bed, grab a nap, get up at 3 and start all over again. When was I supposed to take care of me?

When Travis got home the load lightened a bit. But, I had done a lot of reasearch, talked to the docs, and made up my mind to have gastric bypass. It was a long wait before my name came up on the list. By the time it did, I was at a weight I couldn't believe. I don't speak of the number. Not even to Travis. Only me and my doctors know. On August 23, 2002 I had my gastric bypass surgery. It was the best decision I could have made for my family. Over the first eighteen months I lost about 115 pounds. I looked and felt great!

A year later (August 2003) I left radio. Travis was deployed and the kids were old enough to need me to participate in after-school activities and sports and life, so I quit. It was the second best decision I could have made for my family. I got to enjoy my kids. I had time for me (what a concept).

When the kids and I got sick in December of that year I didn't think much of it. We all wound up going to the doc. The kids went the first day and we got antibiotics and decongestants and everything else. I went the next day and got the same. Oh, and I got a lump. That was the beginning of the cancer journey, but I didn't know it at the time. I went home with the kids for the entire Christmas break. I had never gotten to do that before because of work (either mine or Travis'). My parents took us to Flagstaff and showed us the houses my grandpa and Dad and the uncles built, the church, the city buildings, we ate at the family's favorite joint, we played in the snow, we had a great time.

I was slowly gaining weight and I didn't know why. Cut to the chase here- the thyroid was heading south, so between that and what is a normal weight gain for a post-op g.b. patient, I was not liking what my body was doing. More weight, again.

My father died four days after I found out I was cancer free from leukemia.

And the pounds came.

Now, I am 30 pounds up from my lowest post-op weight. I am also 35 pounds less than I was at this point last year. My goal for myself is to lose another 45 pounds from my current weight. At that point, I will be within what is "normal" for my height and frame.

I have been working out like crazy. I gained a lot over Christmas and came back with a fire in my eyes and ready to tackle my weight. And, in the last two weeks, since I reformed my workouts, I have gained two pounds. This angers me.

Travis says I shouldn't step on the scale for a month, just to give my body time to make all the adjusments it will make before it settles in to losing weight. That pisses me off too.

The funny thing is that even when I have been at my heaviest, I didn't really seem to care all that much what people thought of me and I didn't have a negative body image. I was OK with myself. Now, that I am working on it, now that I am putting real effort into my overall health through food plans and exercising and being active, I have a really negative image of myself.

I bought a little warm-up suit yesterday for tomorrow. Nolan has an out of town wrestling match and you do a lot of sitting and waiting in between having the chance to scream for your kid. It was a cute little suit. It was my size. It was extremely comfortable. Yay, right? Nope. I tried it on last night and hated it. It hugged my nasty low-gut and was too tight on my hammy-ass. Travis swears it looked good on me, but I think he said that because he wanted in my pants. So, after I shower and before I go to the freaking gym, I am going to return the suit.

Why do I do this to myself? I want to be on "How to Look Good Naked" because I like what it says about one's perception. I want to know how to look good naked.

Current weight loss- 85 pounds